I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
I'm going to come in a little later this morning....there's no heterosexual way to say this....$1 flip flop sale at old navy
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
People will call it the Wrath of the Froyo. We'll be immortalized.
third nipple confirmed
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
Randomize
