I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
We learned many a lesson today about drug use in canoes
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Randomize
