You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
He smashed a plastic chair leg on a tree stump, threw himself into the side of our metal enclosure, stomped on the wreckage for a bit and then punched the fire.
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
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