Old men and throwing up are my life now.
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
She's dressed as a slutty Dalmatian. I doubt she has morals.
Green mimosas i think yes
Hes flirting with her via the sauce packets at taco bell....... I have no words
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
So basically he is jobless, a potential serial killer, and has poor taste in music? We simply don't have time for that.
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
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