I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
theres gunna be a new season of 16 and pregnant on mtv...WHERE DO THEY KEEP FINDING THESE IGNORANT PREGNANT GIRLS
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
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