Its not alright that i make out with a manican.
Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
Its almost 1 am and u wanna get together and cry naked
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
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