therell be strippers and coke right?
no strippers. just coke.
i hate this fuckin recession
he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
Its guy fieris flavor town of suffering™
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
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