my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
We put her face under a blacklight.....it looked like fireworks
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
I researched the whole pregnancy breast feeding with piercings. I think you dont have to worry about the trifecta milk spraying thing.
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
Everyone is now just referring to it as "the night Hannah couldn't get laid" so needless to say you didn't miss much
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
