a girl just showed up to class in a zip up hoddie and sweat pants. said she over slept. i guess she got hot and unzipped it , it was only then she realized was sleeping without a shirt or bra.
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
Randomize
