I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
shes perfect for him. shes never seen a penis so she has nothing to compare his to.
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
I'm pretty sure ignoring the person that just sent you a picture of their boobs is bad nude etiquette.
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
Randomize
