My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
Prostitute standing on the corner thrusting at cars as they drive by. New marketing strategy?
I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
Stay away a while longer.
Still not sure if they're cops or strippers.
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
Randomize
