Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
and those juicy C cups turned out to be oddly-shaped A's when her padded bra came off.
hahaha he is wasted in math class right now and is drawing all the planets in order from the sun
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
I wonder what chicks would think if they learned that when we add them on fb we email their bikini pics to each other.
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
I HAD TO PAY A COVER FOR THE FIRST TIME LAST NIGHT. My tits didn't get me in and I was so pissed.
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
Randomize
