But if ***** wants to get filthy... Tell her to throw a text my way ;)
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
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I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
You can't just leave with hair like that
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
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Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.