how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
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He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
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So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
Is it totally terrible that I just signed up for classes and already found the guy I'm going to bang??
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
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