You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
I sold him an eighth while trippin balls wearin my girlfriends tutu and tube top. and i was talking about albinos the entire time
well, he defiantly picked the right guy to buy drugs from
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
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