So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
We just had to use a designated driver to get to night class.
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just bought a 17 year old 40's while wearing a poncho. This behavior is acceptable until I'm 25.
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
Will exercising make me less horny?
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