I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
it's like there's an entire ecosystem in your vagina.
I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! Live in the flesh!
walk of shame with early morning football tailgaters. niice.
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
I have no concept of chastity or moderation, she is a Catholic guilt poster child, how could I not try to hit that
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
