i was born a porn star she said
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
you're in nursing school, now tell me what to do about a burned clit.
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
Randomize
