So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
Maybe you shouldn't go to cosmic bowling, i don't know if cum glows and I don't wanna find out i'm sure his parents don't either.
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
WAKE UP!!! We have 20 minutes to get to class. That means we only have 10 minutes to get drunk.
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
I need more 20 something year old penis in my life
Randomize
