dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
Yeah like 200 white people came and they are playing that one Biggie Smalls song everyone knows.
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
he woke me up with all the stuff I had at his house in boxes i had to unwrap my own belongings and he said. Happy v-day its time to see ya day! Worst day ever
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
Randomize
