I wannas sexs uuuuu
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
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