my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
no you cant smoke seaweed
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
Some asshole just brought BK into my summer class, im already high as hell, i did not need another way to not pay attention
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
I've fucked 6 of my brothers' friends. I'm completely fine with him fucking the girl we ate lunch with.
Is the party worth it?
I am drink. Beer pony and singing.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
Randomize
