im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
turns out the website for Dick's Sporting goods is not "dicks.com". It was a win either way.
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
ttyl tear gas
well other than the faint smell of fireworks in the truck you can't really tell the windshield was exploded
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
You had me at "let me see your balls"
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
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