Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
Randomize
