I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
Your clothes are in washers 2,3 and 4. I arranged by darks, whites, then frat... I'm not even joking
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
When we tried to make a video I set the camera to 3sec pictures accidentally so instead of a movie we have a flipbook of our sex.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
Thanks for supporting me through Robs retirement. I'm still in shock, but your dick helped.
Randomize
