You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
if you wouldnt have been fucking me hard and crazy like that then my bed wouldn't have broke. you owe me 600.
so you admit it was good then??
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
Idk she didn't seem that weird to me but I had just eaten an entire tray of jello infused with liquor so I could be wrong...
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
Do you remember whose house we're in?
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
Oh btw, ur tongue should count as a second cock it's that good
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
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