i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
On the food pyramid big dick are "sometimes foods"
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
Randomize
