what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
Turns out you're obligated under man law to share any passwords you may have for porno sites
Is that what they're teaching u at that bar review class?
I wanna be on tlc
Impossible. You are neither fat, fertile or fashionless.
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
Then you jumped off your bed with your arms outstretched, yelled "I'm Goliath, watch out New York!" and then began singing the Gargoyles theme song as you 'soared' around your room.
Don't be ridiculous, the Gargoyles theme song has no words. How could I sing that mess?
You just started going "da da da da da! da da da da da! DA DA!!" then going "swoosh" as you glided about.
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
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