If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
Randomize
