you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
Wish you were here....
And I wish your mouth was around my cock, but that never happens, does it?
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
Someone shattered a urinal.
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
It's meant to be, Cynthia. You, him, and your developed breasts are meant for each other.
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
Randomize
