I like it. Barfy the gin-flavoured Assman
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
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