Holy shit! This guy had his hands and feet handcuffed and was scooting across the interstate and we almost hit him because it was so dark. I hate Louisiana.
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
She's dressed as a slutty Dalmatian. I doubt she has morals.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
Sometimes I just want to kiss you without you pulling ur cock out and waving it at me
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
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