I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
underwater hpnotiq shots? sure why not.
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
No dude shes like 5 feet tall and maybe 100 pounds... Normally i wouldnt be scared but someone gave her a bat. Thats why im in the bathroom