Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
So the guy sitting next to me is watching dungeons and dragons on youtube. I didnt realize you could get more pathetic than actually playing the game.
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i think beer pong is the only time ive ever found a use for geometry
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
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My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
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