The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
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I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
gave him road head on the way to his grandparents house. purposely didn't let him finish, the sexual tension over turkey was indescribable.
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
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I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
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