Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
21 Dirty Secrets From Bachelor/Bachelorette Parties That Have Destroyed Marriages
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
23 Fathers Confess The Best Way They’ve Messed With Their Daughter’s Boyfriend
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub