what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
We could have fun in a cardboard box. Think of the damage we could do at an amusement park!
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