I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
so the guy who showed me the apt today is now texting me and asking me out for drinks...he's at least 20 yrs oldr than me and highlights his hair, but part of me is wondering how low i can talk him down in rent during sex? wrong?
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
Randomize
