hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
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