I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
I bet Jafar would keep his hat on during
I just gift wrapped bread.
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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