I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
I am so proud of him. After eating the rest of our shrooms, he finally registered to vote
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
Randomize
