He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
posting about faith hill is really not helping you get me into your bed
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
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