if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up.
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
did we cross streams again? the only thing I remember is seeing a dick
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
So I'm trying to figure out if starting the day running around the quad in a black t-shirt and bikini w/ a drawn on mustache is a good way to start the day...
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
Randomize
