end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
YAS. BRING CRAB.
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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