i just saw a guy carrying a medieval times commemerative glass filled with vomit.. there were 2 people cheering him from behind
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
The whole movie was ruined when some chick started laughing with what you could tell was QUITE the mouthful. This of course made the guy laugh harder.
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
It was probably the night you were half naked and trying to blow everybody, guy or girl.
this is me we're talking about here. You're going to have to be more specific than that.
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
Randomize
