She went to college and exploded out of the slut closet.
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
Im not gonna remember this tomorrow but the real money is in coke i wanna get a dark wood desk and cell coke then i can own taco bell and the xxl chalupa will be mine
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
On another note I never thought having a drug addicted stalker would prove useful
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
So, I just found out Ireland, is #1 in binge drinking. I know its Sunday but this one is for America.
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Randomize
