I'm getting drunk watching the disney channel. Is this a main reason why we aren't together anymore?
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
Randomize
