yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
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