my soul wont recognize me after tonight
Alli causes anal leakage. You can find someone to like you if you are fat but no one will like you if you poop yourself.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
well she hit her head and had a concussion. i had to make out with her to keep her awake.
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
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