Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
i think the sex is so good because i get a contact high just from fucking him
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
Randomize
