God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
I hope to God it wasnt poon. That odor was unnatural, it was satanic pussy.
Her little brother was home, so we had to hook up while playing hide and seek with him
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
gay sex achievement: unlocked
what
you told me you were going out for groceries!!
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
a large sweaty girl i dont know is sleeping in my bed. A scotish man and a small child looking dude are on the couches im on the floor sleeping and im ok with it
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
Randomize
