Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
no. it doesnt count as road head if youre parked
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
I hope. Last year I got lost in New Orleans and some guy named Cookie walked me home while I cried.
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
Randomize
