A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
Hne relally is a cite oerfect gome. Nes awddddddddooooome.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
I've never been more scared for my virginity in my life. And I lost my virginity almost 6 years ago.
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
Randomize
