I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
Why do I feel like I'm not the only one drinking to make my night class teacher look better?
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
I put him in the supply closet, used the copy paper to build a fort around him and his wheelchair, then he fucked me in the fort.
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