I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
Judging by her face, I'd say she's at least dabbled with meth...
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
Yeah, the email that I was sending to get an Escort for the weekend, copied and pasted to my boss, that should be interesting conversation, when I come back from Christmas vacation break.
Seeing your boyfriend, side piece, and great white buffalo, all in one night? Its a sign right?
Proceed with caution.
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
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