Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
figured after she passed out and i threw up in her bed, morning sex would be pushing it.
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
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