What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
well,he told me "i bet you five bucks that i can right cum on the mirror with my cum" i said alright do it, lets just say he's five bucks richer...
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
She's Christian and monogamous. Two wammies right there. No amount of convincing will turn that bi for a night.
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
Totally passed out on the dealers bed after paying him all in ones so no, i dont think i'll be getting a discount soon.
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
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