thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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